With no clue where I'm going..

I stopped writing a few years ago.

I moved to a new place. Met new people. And freaked out. In both good and bad ways. I’ve never really suffered from ‘Culture Shock’. But new things have happened. I fell in love a coupla times. I did. As ridiculous as it might sound for some of you. It was nice. And didn’t work. But I liked it. Still do.

As I got older, I got scared. Honestly properly scared. I never really met people I was intimidated by. I was pretty comfortable in my skin. As large as it was, it was nice.

But in the last 8 years, I have. Not just in college, but outside as well. In hindsight, I think that had something to do with my own expectations. I really hoped I’d find better people than me. It’s a truth that it takes someone better than you to make yourself better than yourself. You either compete with or learn from these people. Both cases teach you a lot about yourself and help you change. Resistance is futile.

I met nice people. Rude people. Arrogant bitches and hand holding angels. I’ve known a few who are all this and some more in between. I’ve met geniuses who knock me out with their bullshit and some idiots who amaze me even today, years after I’ve known them the way they are.

Now the people I’ve known proper and long all these years, I know. I can read them, I usually know what they’re thinking and can pre-empt their own words in some cases. These are my real close friends. I’m not saying I know them inside out, but I have a pretty good handle. And these people know me. In a similar, where not same way.

These guys are my rocks. I've had several friends over the years and count myself to be a pretty good one. I step up when they need me. I think I have. I may forget to call for months, and will probably lose a birthday each new year, but I’m always on call. These rocks of mine are largely the same way.

More or less. We all have that one guy…

But what has thrown me off in this time, and with these people, are the not-so-nice ones. I’ve met my share. Not any more or less than anyone else. But I’m always surprised.

I’ve read someplace and have come to agree with a notion. All humans are bisexual. I don’t know if there are further classifications which exist which I might agree with, so let’s just stick to this for now. In kinda the same way, I believe every person is good and bad. I mean, the same asshole who kicks a guy in the balls when he’s down is most certainly being a great brother/sister or friend somewhere else. So no one is totally good or bad. He might lean one way or the other, but at some point, he’s checked out the ass of a person of the same sex.

I’ve always known this. At the back of our minds, we all do. We know that we will get along with some people and not with some others. I attached myself to those guys who I thought worked, and distanced myself a little from the others. Now I’m no Prof X. I just went with what I thought. I’ve made mistakes with this earlier, and was lucky enough that things were set right in the longer run.

But I made a crucial mistake. While I opened myself up to those guys who I was in sync with, I never really stopped listening to the others. I got caught up in some of it. Eventually, some of my behavior and habits began to lean towards the kind I didn’t like.

It took some real good people to make me notice. Willingly or not, they made me take a look at myself. I didn’t like what I saw. I began to work to undo all of it.

I still have my moments. I forgive myself easily telling myself 2 things.

1. We’re all like this at some level. The ruling personalities take over one another at times
2. I’m trying to improve. I’m making an effort to change. So that’s better than not...

There is some vanity in both things. But I won’t get into that. They are what they are.

The biggest thing that was affected in this time was my own judgment. It terrified me to see an image and not see the beauty that people around me oooh’d at, a technical quote which people aaah’d at and a song which people mooo’d at.

I was a little stumped. Not always, but often enough that I wasn’t sure of what I’m supposed to be seeing.

Again, I always knew there is a difference between them and me. That I would see things in one way and the others would see it their own way. But no amount of telling helped. I kept wondering what it was I was missing. Do I not have the eye, ear or smell to appreciate a good thing when I saw it? Or maybe I just don’t understand what’s being said. Maybe I’m completely entirely daft.

Over time, I’ve become a little more comfortable in my daft-ness. I have more ‘duh’ moments than I’d wish to confess, but they don’t bother me as much. I’m not as concerned about the 3^rd party opinion.

Today, a few years later, I might not be smarter than I was. I might not even have gotten any wiser as age is supposed to do. But I am a lot more relaxed. Other people don’t bother me. Not as much as they used to anyway.

In all fairness, I think the 3^rd party opinions I mentioned were hugely contributing factors. It took all of that to make me think about myself. It took some more effort afterwards to drive away insecurities about it.

I read something else. This also was in an episode of ‘House’ once. We’re all schizo. I hope that’s not a derogatory. The word. But we all are at least a little off our rocker. Again, this is something we all know.

I realize I’m making no points here. I’m just trying to say that it took me some time to come to my belief system. And all it says is ‘be cool’. It’s not a pure philosophy. I lose it a lot a lot of the times. But this is how it came about. It took me some time, some burn and some not-authorised-by-parents things to get here. But here I am.

It’s been a trip coming to terms with myself. I may not look better, sound better or adopt puppies just yet. But I am chill. I have a lot more to do, I know. Typing this, I can see some faces I know cringe or laugh or smirk saying ‘Balls. This little bitch don’t know shit’. But it is what it is.

Like I said in the beginning, I stopped writing. I thought I just wasn’t good enough. That what I write would come out wrong, will have small words and would be just plain stupid. It took me longer than you might think and took considerably more effort than I thought. But here it is. 2 MS Word pages.

Out of a potential 7,000,000,000 people, I expect no more than 5 to ever read this. I still have to read this again to see where I got to. But I’m not worried any more. It is what it is.

To close, as before, a quote. Now this is a repeater. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again.

From Harvey (1950). One of the finest movies I’ve had the pleasure of watching with one of the finest actors I’ve ever seen perform.

Elwood P. Dowd:  Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" - she always called me Elwood - "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.

Mom, I think hates this about me. But I have no destination. I have a sense of direction, and can only hope and fight that it does not lead me to shit.